Finding Connection Without Losing Yourself: A Q&A with Dr Lisa Alfrey, Author of Dating Mindfully

Modern dating can bring excitement and hope, but it can also leave us feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves.

In Dating Mindfully, counselling psychologist Dr Lisa Alfrey shifts the focus away from simply finding the “right” person and explores how greater self-awareness, mindfulness and compassion can help us approach dating differently.

We caught up with Lisa to discover what inspired Dating Mindfully, her thoughts on the pressures and realities of modern dating, and what she hopes readers will take from the book.

What first inspired you to write Dating Mindfully, and when did you realise there was a book you wanted to create around this subject?

I found myself in a chapter of my life where I wasn’t able to see as many clients as I wished I could. I realised one evening that dating is a lived experience that so many struggle with. Oftentimes, I would see different posts on social media where I felt that the whole experience was around ‘getting a partner’ or the other person. I found myself feeling frustrated regarding dating advice about how to change yourself or act a certain way to get a date. I think it is important to be authentic.

I wanted to write a book for people which aims to help support people who are struggling with dating, with a deep appreciation about the level of pain that may be experienced. Not everyone wants to go to therapy, whether they have had a negative experience or it is too expensive or whatever the reason may be. My aim in all my work is centred around creating a space which may be helpful whether I am working with a client or someone is reading my work.

Through your work as a counselling psychologist, what have you noticed about the pressures people can place on themselves when it comes to dating and relationships?

I have noticed an enormous amount of self-criticism and self-loathing around the struggles of trying to find a partner. It is not always about the date itself; it is the excitement and hope of jumping ahead to the future which can lead to heartbreak or a feeling of disillusionment. I have often heard of the need for a person to stand beside you in life in order to say that you are successful or worthy or loved. The pressure can be heartbreaking to witness. I wanted to write a book that embraces empowerment and kindness to ourselves and to others.

The book encourages readers to look at dating a little differently. Was there a particular misconception about finding love that you were keen to challenge?

I really wanted to challenge the superficiality that can arise when talking about dating. Playfulness and fun are important parts of dating, but that does not take away from the hope, love and genuine desire that can also be present. The misconception I most wanted to challenge is the idea that you need to change who you are in order to find love. I do not believe that. I believe it is about understanding yourself more deeply and aligning yourself with people who share your values, your desires and your way of moving through the world. This begins with self-reflection and compassion.

Modern dating often involves apps, messaging and endless opportunities to connect. Do you think having more choice has necessarily made finding meaningful connection easier?

I think that the endless opportunities make finding a meaningful connection harder to find than ever. The apps provide us with an abundance of potential matches, but that does not equal depth. When we are swiping, messaging, or ghosting, I feel like connection begins to be treated as a commodity. As if it is something to be consumed rather than nurtured and cultivated. It is paradoxical how with more choice it may lead us to more dissatisfaction, self-doubt and exhaustion.

This is what led me to create my dating burnout questionnaire and model. Meaningful connections rarely come from having more options. It comes from knowing yourself well enough to recognise it when it arrives and being present enough to let it in. The journey to a meaningful connection begins with the connection that you build with yourself first.

While writing the book, was there anything that made you reflect differently on your own understanding of relationships, connection or the way we relate to ourselves?

What stood out for me in my reflections while writing this book was the process of creating the fictional characters and narratives to illustrate my thinking and approach. I felt it was unexpectedly powerful to bring those scenarios to life, allowing me to explore the psychology from the inside rather than describing it in abstract form. The reflection that also stayed with me most deeply was the emotional pain that so many people carry quietly in the dating experience. The existential fear of trying so hard, showing up genuinely and still not meeting anyone. That fear is real, and it deserves to be named. Writing this book deepened my compassion for how much courage the whole experience actually asks of people.

Dating can bring out everything from excitement and hope to vulnerability and disappointment. Why do you think the experience can have such a powerful effect on the way we see ourselves?

I feel that it has developed from evolutionary times, when having a mate was the goal. As it evolved, the meaning of dating became dependent on the culture and society that we find ourselves in. The beliefs from our families, friends and peers can carry a great deal of weight around how we see ourselves. Comparison is an act of thinking that can cause such despair; the comparison with others we are around can lead to assumptions that are not helpful or even accurate.

Let's say that I am dating but feeling very frustrated at the negative experiences I am having. It may be that I look at the married couple I know and assume that they are happy, in love and fulfilled. This may not be even close to the reality of this couple's relationship. However, the act of comparison can leave us despairing over our own circumstances. Alternatively, this married couple may see a single person thinking about how the single person is lucky to have freedom, choices and the excitement of the unknown.

Regardless of where we find ourselves, it feels that dating is heavy with the meaning that we attach to it. Even the phenomenon of comparison can create a powerful effect on how we see ourselves.

One of the subjects you touch upon is dating burnout. What made you feel this was an important part of the modern dating experience to acknowledge?

Dating burnout felt like something that needed to be named. I was hearing all the elements of burnout in my clinical work over the years, people describing an exhaustion that went beyond a bad date or a difficult week on an app. It felt deeper and more cumulative. My doctoral research explored burnout in the workplace; I felt that this closely mirrored what people were describing in their dating lives. By bringing the framework into the dating context, I wanted to give readers a language for something that they were already living but perhaps couldn’t name. Sometimes simply having a name for your experience is the beginning of understanding it differently.

Dating Mindfully is not simply about finding a partner. What would you say to somebody who picked up the book while feeling frustrated or disillusioned with dating?

You are not alone in the frustration and disillusionment, but your experience matters. You are enough. Dating is hard; there are ups and downs and challenges. It is trying to be as honest to yourself as you can be. What do you need for yourself right now? Find your anchor, breathe and remember you are enough.

Away from psychology, writing and your professional work, what do you enjoy doing? Is there a hobby, interest or fun fact about you that readers might be surprised to discover?

Many people are often surprised that I love video games, particularly the older games. I would not say I am particularly very good at them, but I do love to spend time relaxing by playing games.

Finally, what do you hope readers will take away from Dating Mindfully, and where can they follow you and your journey as an author?

I hope readers take away that their relationship with themselves is the most powerful relationship they will ever have. This is something I have witnessed again and again in my clinical work. When we understand ourselves more deeply, when we approach dating with curiosity rather than pressure and compassion rather than self-criticism, something genuinely shifts. Not just in who we attract or how we show up on dates, but in how we experience ourselves throughout the whole journey.

I also hope the book offers comfort to anyone who has felt quietly heartbroken by the experience of modern dating. You are not alone. The courage it takes to keep showing up deserves to be acknowledged.

I would love for readers to continue the journey beyond the book. You can find me on Instagram at @drlisaalfrey, and I will be offering online courses and psychoeducational resources at www.lapsychoeducation.com. I look forward to connecting with you there.