We are thrilled to introduce Helen Astin-Hardman, a remarkable debut author whose powerful memoir, Hell Here, sheds light on her deeply personal journey through paranoid schizophrenia. With raw honesty and unwavering courage, Helen shares her experiences, challenges, and triumphs in navigating mental illness, aiming to break the stigma and inspire hope in others facing similar struggles.
In this exclusive Q&A, Helen reflects on what motivated her to write Hell Here, the lessons she hopes readers will take away, and how storytelling has been an integral part of her healing process. Her insights offer a poignant reminder that even in the darkest times, recovery and growth are possible.
Join us as Helen delves into the heart of her story, her advocacy for mental health awareness, and her aspirations for the future.
What motivated you to share your personal journey with paranoid schizophrenia in Hell Here, and how do you think your story will impact others facing similar challenges?
I’d been struggling to write the book for some time. After an unsuccessful attempt at writing a fiction book, it came upon me that I should write my true story about this awful experience. I much prefer writing truth than fiction. It was an incredibly hard book to write, given that I felt I wasn’t entirely a victim in the story, I tried to do bad things just as much as the voices did bad things. Of course there were all of the painful memories and things I had to say about myself to make the story indicative of the truth. My desire to share such a painful story is that very few people discuss their experiences with paranoid schizophrenia, many people, including myself, for a long time, will not share what it is the voices they heard had said to them, probably because of how the voices pick at any and every weakness you feel you have. There is also, to contend with, the painful embarrassment the sufferer feels afterwards.
It was during lockdown that I finally had the incentive and motivation to write my book. I hope that in sharing my story that other fellow sufferers of this illness will not feel so alone, that they will come to terms better with what happened to them, that they will realise others have had very similar experiences, and perhaps that this book will give them hope, and that positive outcomes are possible.
What do you think is the most important message readers will take away from Hell Here, especially those who are struggling with their own mental health?
I’d say the most important message people may take away from Hell Here, is that there is life after mental illness, all mental illness, not just schizophrenia. That despite all the darkness and bad things that can happen to a person, these things are but a fabric of the rich tapestry of life. I do not regret my life despite all of the awful things that have happened to me over the years, and sometimes I feel they, despite being terrible experiences, have made my life interesting. I refer back to the Chinese blessing/curse “May your life be interesting.”
Despite what darkness a person goes through, there is always scope to come through the other side and though the road may still be turbulent on the other side it is how you decide to cope with it and what you decide to do with it that matters.
How has sharing your story helped you in your own recovery process, and do you think writing can be a form of healing to others in similar situations?
I write all of the time, whether it’s simply picking up the pen and writing poetry and I think sharing my own story has helped with my mental health healing, because it has allowed me to face the things I did and thought. Even getting it on paper for myself helped somewhat, because it stopped everything going round and round in my head. I had to pick apart and revisit, with every draft, what I’d done and how I felt around this time. It was cathartic to get everything off of my chest, and I’d recommend not just writing, but any outlet a person can find to offload their trauma. I often paint pictures about the illness and draw things, this is a less explicit way of telling people how I feel, and can help address feelings you don’t want to share straight away. The most important thing a person can do is to talk to others, no one can help you if they don’t know what your going through, and it’s surprising how many people will show understanding or share similar experiences.
What advice would you give to someone who is currently battling mental illness, but who might feel hesitant to seek help or share their story?
I’d suggest that the best thing they could do is to ask for help from a trusted friend or family member, I reiterate that no one can help if they don’t know what a person is going through. Also to realise that doctors have seen most things before, they are an impartial person who can help and will not shame or embarrass anyone. If the person is afraid that they’ll be locked up or that their condition makes them crazy, then their fears are unfounded, the only occasion a doctor would commit a patient to a psychiatric ward is if they feel the person is a danger to themselves or other people.
The feeling of being crazy comes from not sharing, the more these stories get out there the less people will be looked upon as odd, many times when I’ve shared my story mostly people have understood or even told me their own story or they mention someone they know who has been through similar. And finally a person would not hobble round on a broken leg and not tell someone that they are in pain, human beings are inherently a social animal, and our survival is based on helping one another.
If a person has shared their story before and been met with a negative response, that is not their fault, keep trying to share because someone out there will understand.
You’ve been through a lot on your journey to mental health recovery. What resources, practises or approaches did you find most helpful, that you would recommend to others?
Personally for me, I would say that there are no hard and fast rules, what works for one person doesn’t or can’t work for another. For example I find drawing therapeutic, though not everyone will find the same, some people will find trying suddenly to become artistic a strain. I would recommend that a person finds approaches what works for them. Having had paranoid schizophrenia, I find a lot of practises designed for relaxation don’t work for me, because this leaves me alone with the voices, even music can set them off. Though I do love music. Audiobooks, podcasts and livestreams are something I’ve found that does work specific to my illness because while listening to them I cannot also focus on the voices. One other thing that I find useful is speaking aloud to myself about issues, this is almost practise for going and speaking with someone tangible, in the past I’d speak to my picture of Lucifer about issues I wanted to address. I also think accepting the illness for what it is has been the biggest help, because accepting that schizophrenia is just another illness and not some shameful phantasm is part of the road to recovery.
Hell Here touches on feelings of isolation. How can your story help break the stigma surrounding schizophrenia and mental health, encouraging more open conversations?
I think my book does this through the virtue of being very honest, sharing my story means that talk around mental health will become more normalised. Hopefully if more people are encouraged by my words to share their stories then that starts deconstructing the stigma, because suddenly mental illness is not some abstract thing that happens far away and to other people, a person may find out that someone close to them has been struggling, a neighbour or friend, even a family member, it’s surprising how many people keep these things secret. In talking to each other we grow closer, and come to realise it is not just us that suffers.
I hope people will understand and discuss my book and that my being so honest about the illness, will lead people to a greater understanding of how this illness affects people.
In your experience what role do community or support systems play in the process of healing, and how can someone in crisis begin to build these connections?
In my experience I was supported in the community, I was first placed under the care of the Crisis Team, while I was very ill, then was moved over to Early Interventions, who looked after me for three years during the recovery process. I’m now under the social inclusion team and have bi-annual appointments with them, so I think being cared for in the community is very important. This of course is not always possible, but I think it is very useful to be cared for in the community. This is because there is further stigma attached to being hospitalised, and I’ve heard many peoples’ accounts of how hospital has made them feel worse and more isolated. The NHS is overstretched, so compassionate patient care is probably not high on the agenda.
I’m lucky because I also have a good support network of people around me who are understanding, and who will look out for me, again this is made possible by being open about my illness. Having people who understand that I am ill, and what to expect if I’m having a bad day has been instrumental in my recovery.
As for building support connections, with schizophrenia this is a difficult one, because during crisis the sufferer doesn’t know they are ill and help usually comes from the outside, when someone else realises the sufferer is ill. The connections have to be built on afterwards with this illness. In other mental health problems I’d say that again it all comes back to speaking with someone, which I appreciate can be hard, but how can a person get any support if they do not tell someone, even one person, that they are suffering, even talking to a person on the end of a crisis line is preferable to no one at all.
Though it may sound silly, voicing things out loud to myself is, I find, a good way of preparing to speak with others, because then my thoughts are more in order, and my fears about talking to others become less intense. I’d recommend this to most people, even if you just talk to a photograph of someone you care about it can really help. Thinking out loud and hearing my own words is the first step to actually revealing what I want to say.
If readers want to reach out to you or follow your journey, how can they connect with you? Are you active on social media or through other platforms?
I must confess to not being the most active on social media, I have a Facebook under the name of Helen Astin-Hardman and an Instagram, helenhardmanart where I often share my artwork or things I’ve been making. I do however intend to set up a website related to the book Hell Here, I’m grappling with what to call it, either “hell here the book” or “the art of hell here” I feel “the book” is more direct, but the site will be designed mostly to showcase the artwork I have created in response to my illness and things I drew whilst I was ill, my story is a very visual one, but putting artwork in the book itself would be expensive, so my website would be a way of showing some of the visual elements to the story, including photographs, and poetry I have written and a blog.
For those who are caregivers or loved ones of someone with a mental health disorder, what insights or advice would you offer them after everything you have been through?
I would say that though it is disturbing to watch your loved one unravel, there will come an end to it, given proper time and care. My mum did most of the caring for me so she would be better placed to answer this sort of question. From my own experience with schizophrenia and with recovering from it I would say that during recovery a change will come over your loved one, they will not be the person you knew, I myself was withdrawn, extremely quiet and traumatised, I lived in a fog barely wanting to do much and I slept a lot, which is quite normal when recovering from this type of illness.
But they will get through this phase, little by little the person that you once knew will start coming back through, it may be difficult to see the person you love being a shell of themselves, but they will return and though they may not be as whole as they once were, memories linger, they will eventually be able to enjoy life again, as will you.
A short story to illustrate the point. The first time I truly laughed in the aftermath of the illness was when my mum took me to the park to get me out and about, we’d got back in the car and she presented a bag with two vanilla slices in it, as I passed her hers I fumbled and it ended up falling beneath the gear stick, she was so determined to retrieve it and to eat it, that I ended up having peals of laughter. It made my mum feel happy that I’d laughed so raucously and genuinely, when I was usually in a haze from the medication and the trauma. The person you love will return to you, and they will have lost things but they’ll have also gained something too.
Looking forward, how do you plan to continue advocating for mental health awareness, and do you have any upcoming projects or platforms where you’ll be sharing more of your story?
While I do not have any immediate projects or platforms I do intend to set up a website for my book as previously discussed, come to think of it “the hell here project” might be a good name for the website. A slight dream of mine, maybe a little ambitious is to see 'Hell Here' as a quirky play or musical, I have always loved theatre and if my book captures imaginations, it would be good to see this happen. A far distant dream however.
I’m hoping for now however that my book will be a good avenue for my being an advocate for mental health, I intend to do some discussions around the book, though nothing concrete yet, which will help push my book and also raise awareness.
Helen Astin-Hardman’s debut memoir, Hell Here: Letters from my life with Schizophrenia, is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the power of vulnerability in breaking down societal stigmas surrounding mental health. Through her courage in sharing such a personal journey, Helen not only provides hope to those battling mental illness but also fosters greater understanding and empathy in all who read her story.
We are incredibly excited for the upcoming release of her debut book, Hell Here: Letters from my life with Schizophrenia, coming soon! Helen’s resilience and honesty remind us that even in the face of immense challenges, recovery and self-discovery are possible.
Stay tuned for the release and join Helen’s mission to inspire change and compassion in how we view mental health. Together, let’s take another step toward a more understanding and supportive world.
To learn more about Hell Here or to connect with Helen, visit thehellhereproject.co.uk
Connect on Instagram & Facebook: @helenhardmanart
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